Hard to believe it’s been over a year since I wrote anything on this. Kind of fell by the wayside. Pretty sure no one will read this, in a dusty forgotten corner of the Interverse, but I guess it’s really just more of my cathartic splashboard onto which I dump out the dregs of my emotional coffers.
I’be been separated for a year and a half now, divorced since September. I’m getting through life, doing pretty good all things considered.
Father’s Day came and went. And not one person wished me a happy Father’s Day. Well, that’s not true. My ex-wife and one co-worker. No family. Not my mom, not my brother. No aunt’s or uncles or any other relative. No cards, no calls.
And of course, then I really have to be honest with myself. What did I do for anybody else? Nothing. No calls, no cards. So, I guess karma’s a bitch, turnabout is fair play, or maybe, you reap what you sow is a little more apt.
I am broken. I can be social, I can be friendly, but the effort involved in sustaining long-term relationships seems to be beyond me. Most of the time, you get out of relationships what you put into them…and I haven’t been making any deposits lately. Okay, maybe for a long time.
Part of it is that I’m a textbook introvert. Social interactions take a lot of energy, and I never seem to have a lot of that. It also takes planning, and deliberation, and follow-through. Other things I’m weak on. Just ask my ex. Baddoom doomp.
I guess if I expect people to take the time, and make the effort, I need to do so as well. I think maybe there’s a part of me, deep down inside, that doesn’t think that it will do any good. That all I face is rejection and denial. Thanks for that, mom & dad.
And so I just don’t try. Even though, time and again, it’s been shown that quality people will try and connect with me, try to establish that relationship. And all I do is sabotage it. And then rue and whine about why I’m so alone.
Sad. And so avoidable. How do you break loose these old, dark, sabotaging thoughts that undercut you before you even get started?
I guess I’ve resigned myself to being alone. I fear that fate…and yet seem powerless to avert it. I know I’m not, and yet, seemingly choose to make it so. Messed up, bent and broken.
Something’s got to give.