The Office Mates From HELLLLL!
Yes, we all have them. Well, no, okay, not ALL of us, because, like, 10% unemployment, but……….anyway.
After far too many years squandered in various office jobs in various environments, I’ve come to discover that most office denizens can be classed into a few basic categories. True, I may just have a karmatically unique ability to land amongst wierdos and social outcasts, but overall my observations have supported the theory that these creatures are commonly found in most office environments. To wit:
1) The Stealth Nose Picker. Also known as the, “I’ve managed to convince myself that no one can see me picking my nose as I duck down behind my computer monitor” guy. Yes, dude, we see you as you tenaciously work that pinky finger in to well past the second knuckle questing for that elusive gold. And, we’re all pretty sure that you’re the one who flicks them all over the back side of the bathroom stall door, too.
2) Mr. “I’m Too Damn Busy/Important to Make Another Pot” Guy. Yes, you know and love this person. And by “love” I mean want to stake them out on a fire ant mound covered in nothing but a Honey WheatBerry Jamba Juice smoothie. You know, the person who drinks five or six cups of coffee a day, but will empty the last drop from the caraf with a bitter sigh of frustrated regret and betrayal that “someone” couldn’t keep the damn thing full for him, and so he has to settle for half a cup. And, who then jams the pot back in the brewer and walks off, wearily shaking his head, leaving it stone cold empty despite all the colorful signs quoting Terry Tate saying, “IF YOU KILL THE JOE, YOU MAKE SOME MO!” If you try and corner them about why, just WHY they didn’t make another pot, the answer will invariably be some variant of, “I was in a hurry and didn’t have time“. Yeah, that’s right, because those YouTube videos aren’t going to watch themselves now are they?
3) The “I Didn’t Drink The Last Of It” Guy. A close relative of Number 2, this is the person who, regardless of how much coffee is (or isn’t) left in the pot, will always leave just a liiiiittle bit left in the bottom, even if it’s a whole whopping tablespoon or two. This helps assuage any potential guilt by ensuring the ability to — with utter integrity and deniability — claim that they DIDN’T, in fact, drink the last of the coffee, because technically there are a good 14 or 15 molecules of it still left in there. So, nooo, I DON’T have to make another pot (see #2) and get off me.
4) Speaker Phone Guy. Ah yes, my personal favorite. Usually a manager or sales rep. Invariably results from an excessively over-optimistic self-evaluation of the “hip-ness” of the individual . For some reason, these offenders seem to be overwhelmingly male; mostly faux Alpha Males who want everyone to know just how central they are to everything going on by sharing all the intimate details of their phone conversations with everyone around them. Conversations beginning with some variant of, “Hey Buddy! How they hangin!” followed closely by a hilarious personal anecdote involving “those chicks at that bar last night.” And for some reason, despite all the advances in modern technology, micro-circuity and audio enhancement widgets that can pick up a fly farting half a mile away, SPG feels it necessary to talk loud enough for the guy in the corporate office in LA to hear him from Memphis…WITHOUT the phone. Because using a handset it just so…so…”the little people.”
I’m sure there are many more, like “Always Leaves His Print Job On The Printer For Several Hours” Guy, and “Farts and Hope No One Notices Even Though OH MY GAAWD!” Guy. But that, dear readers, is for another day.