You know how sometimes when you smash your thumb with a hammer, and there’s those few moments of numb shock when you know you’ve been injured, but nothing has really started to hurt yet? You just stare at your thumb in shocked amazement, puzzled, yet dreading what you know is going to come?
Yeah, that’s been me over the last few months. I’ve talked a lot of shit about being angry, but I haven’t really been dealing with what has happened to me.
Well, today the numbness finally wore off. Not sure what is was that uncorked everything. Someone’s email, just time enough, don’t know. But all of a sudden, I feel the growing ache of a broken heart.
I think before it was all about her. The emotions were external, oriented outward. I was mad at HER, what SHE did, where SHE went, who SHE was with.
Now, the emotions are internal. I’m finally feeling what I need to feel. I’m finally acknowledging what is going on in my chest, in that place where my heart used to be. Now, nothing but broken shards and dust.
I hurts. DAMMIT it hurts like a sonuvabitch. 17 years of trying, or pouring out my heart and soul, of trying to be what she wanted me to be, only to be told, time and again, it wasn’t good enough. As a matter of fact, it was SO not good enough, that she took her business elsewhere. Oh sure, she was more than content to live in my house, drive my cars, have me pay for her gas and her food and her clothes and her trips. But that other stuff? You know, the whole “forsaking all others” part? Yeah, not so much.
It’s making me see that there are still of lot of things, a lot of emotions I haven’t allowed myself to deal with, to even admit were there. I guess now it’s time. But MAN….