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Archive for the category “relationships”

Awkward Holiday Much?

So, yeah, Mother’s Day is just around the corner, except that, Mother is actually 5,286.4 miles away in Las Fuckin’ Vegas baby, and yet I still feel honor bound to be all nicety-nice and send her the requisite cards despite it all.  Mostly from the two kids, cuz we made it very clear that through this all she was still their Mom, and that would never change, yada yada yada, and so I had them sign a couple of mushy-gooshy cards. Yes, I even sent one myself.  I guess I’m constitutionally incapable of being that much of an asshole.  Although you might want to get a second opinion on that from, you know, her.

Imagine the challenge of finding a card of appropriate vagueness and neutrality such that I could wish her a happy Mom’s Day while avoiding the requisite fawning adoration Hallmark and their ilk seem to think is somehow appropriate for this day.  Sheesh.  Lemmings.

And I DID find one, lo and behold.  Probably one designed for the reluctantly-tolerated mother-in-law type, or the mom who leaves her teenage kids and her husband to pursue some whimsical vision quest while telling said husband, “I love you, I’m just not IN love with you.”  Or words to that effect.  I probably translated it more closely to, “Fuck you, I’m outta here.  Loser.”  But, I might have just had a bad, pirated copy of Rosetta Stone or something.

But I’m not bitter.  No, really, it says right here. See?  “Not. Bitter.”

So for all you mothers out there, I hope you get delightful, mushy-gooshy cards from all your friends and family.  And for all you crazy meddling mothers-in-law or wives who hary off on a wild mid-life crisis in Las Vegas, I hope whatever card you get is written on the back of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese box, addressed in hastily scrawled pencil to,”Occupant.”

Again, most decidedly NOT BITTER!  Shut up.

Heart trouble.

You know how sometimes when you smash your thumb with a hammer, and there’s those few moments of numb shock when you know you’ve been injured, but nothing has really started to hurt yet?  You just stare at your thumb in shocked amazement, puzzled, yet dreading what you know is going to come?

Yeah, that’s been me over the last few months.  I’ve talked a lot of shit about being angry, but I haven’t really been dealing with what has happened to me.

Well, today the numbness finally wore off.  Not sure what is was that uncorked everything. Someone’s email, just time enough, don’t know.  But all of a sudden, I feel the growing ache of a broken heart.

I think before it was all about her. The emotions were external, oriented outward.  I was mad at HER, what SHE did, where SHE went, who SHE was with.

Now, the emotions are internal.  I’m finally feeling what I need to feel.  I’m finally acknowledging what is going on in my chest, in that place where my heart used to be.  Now, nothing but broken shards and dust.

I hurts. DAMMIT it hurts like a sonuvabitch. 17 years of trying, or pouring out my heart and soul, of trying to be what she wanted me to be, only to be told, time and again, it wasn’t good enough.  As a matter of fact, it was SO not good enough, that she took her business elsewhere.  Oh sure, she was more than content to live in my house, drive my cars, have me pay for her gas and her food and her clothes and her trips.  But that other stuff?  You know, the whole “forsaking all others” part?  Yeah, not so much.

It’s making me see that there are still of lot of things, a lot of emotions I haven’t allowed myself to deal with, to even admit were there.  I guess now it’s time.  But MAN….

It just…hurts.

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